after a long hiatus it has finally culminated to this.. a long bifurcation on the many flaws of human nature.. a sad picture of wastedness and fickle emotions.. the unbearable thought of keeping it all bottled up.. in a way writing serves to fulfill this purpose.. a personal way of letting everyone have a little enclave of escapism via words and euphemisms.. metaphors and innuendos..tucked away in a little corner of cyberspace.. with the world as its potential audience.. may it be a confession.. a complaint.. an observation.. an opinion.. its all there.. if you choose to see it.. such is the flirtatious nature of writing.. it allows me, the writer to toy with your thoughts and emotions.. did i mean what i wrote? or was it a passing bubble of incongruency.. was it aimed at YOU the reader specifically.. or was i talking about someone else.. it empowers me.. but only as a mask to hide my own insecurities.. to do unto you what others have done unto me.. selfish some might say.. but effective nonetheless

a case in point.. did you understand everything that i had just written? or did you think it was a dissertation of random thoughts.. penned down to confuse and impress.. or did you see through the layers of pretense? even if i have caught just a glimpse of your understanding.. it would be enough for me to be satisfied.. till the next entry at least..

in recent times.. the state of affairs has suffered a degradation far preceding its outward appearances.. this is not to say that they havent been good things happening.. there have been many good things that have come into my life.. many new people and events that have structured the past few months.. it is not the new but rather the old that constitutes the issue.. that old feeling of familiarity that is thrust out into the open.. barenaked to be dissected.. left to die in the searing heat of dissent..

we spend our entire lives building an impervious barrier of trust encircling the people we love and care about.. invincible against the external elements that try to weather it down.. but we are oblivious to its vulnerability when the battle is drawn insiduously.. fighting its way inside out.. turning the circle into a self contained turmoil of underlying contradictions and parodies

maybe its just me.. waging my own war against my constructs of imagination.. maybe no one is doing anything wrong.. maybe no one has changed, and the only one who has... is me

have i.. in thinking that everyone has drifted off into a parallel universe, been stranded behind?

my greatest fear is to live a lie.. to go on about my business not knowing what people really thought, or what was really going on.. which is why ive always acceded to the notion of openness and honesty.. but only to a selected few can such privileges be maintained.. some people have their passes renewed.. some have them revoked till further notice.. remember what i said about toying with your thoughts and emotions? do i have you guessing now? which side of the fence are you on? or do you even care?.. it is my hope that i have given you enough confidence to know for sure which side of the thin white thread you belong to..

do i trust myself? do i doubt my self worth and my worth to others? do i doubt the negligiblility of my errors to my friends? do i doubt my friends? again.. some maintain an unquestionable status that needs no affirmation and constant assurance.. some might find themselves in a postion of irrelevance.. yet others will find themselves in a position of reevaluation..

i think its time for me to stop doubting.. and start trusting

sometimes its easier to leave everything unsaid.. but it only gets worse if it stays in your head..

my truth will shoot you down..

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